Severus Snape and the Quest for Sex Godyness
by Teh Anna
Summary: Severus Snape wants to be as effortlessly gorgeous as Lucius and Tom Riddle. And so he embarks on a quest to take his place as one of the Slytherin Sex Gods.
1. Severus Snape the Sex God, Begins

Severus gazed gloomily at his reflection in the mirror. His reflection gazed gloomily back. Lang, greasy hair, large nose, yellow teeth┘ He almost recoiled in revulsion at the image of himself. He wanted to be as effortlessly gorgeous as Lucius or Draco or Tom Riddle. He wanted adoration and fangirls. He wanted to take his place as one of the Slytherin Sex Gods. 

He needed a plan.

"What do the other Gods have?" Severus thought to himself.

Lucius was poised and elegant and had an air of unattainability about him that was irresistible. His hair spilled down his shoulders in a silver-blonde waterfall as he leaned on his pimp cane with infinite grace and sophistication. Draco had his bad-boy attitude; the way he'd lean casually against the wall, inviting you in with his sharp, grey eyes. And Tom Riddle (in his prime, of course) had his sharp, chiseled features and dark hair that fell casually over his eyes. And he had that enormous aura of power that drew people to him...

Severus stared critically at himself. What did he have? He could totally pull of the dark enigma: misunderstood and plagued by memories of his cruel past. Broodingly handsome. Edgy.

Except- he wasn't handsome. He tried various poses and facial angles. He decided his nose added character to his face. He could invest in a pore cleanser and shampoo. And perhaps Crest whitening strips, as well.

That evening Severus made his way down to Hogsmead, to the local hair parlor. This was his first visit to this place, seeing as in the past he always cut his own hair, and he was not impressed. The walls and floors of the parlor were a particularly cheerful shade of pink and the chairs and counters were all in lime green. "Hardly fitting," Severus thought, "for a Slytherin Sex God." But one must make sacrifices for beauty.

"Hello!" greeted a hair dresser as soon as he came in, "Come to my chair, dear."

She pushed him down on an empty green chair, "What would you like me to do?"

"I'd like a few inches off┘ So it curls sexily under my ear," he demonstrated with a lock of hair, "and I'd like side bangs- sort of angled. So they fall into my eyes."

"And would you like a shampoo, dear?" the hairdresser said, eyeing his greasy locks.

"Is that extra cost?"

Sex Gods could be frugal, too.

"Not at all, sugar buns."

He was a Sex God in the making. A name like 'Sugar Buns' hardly complimented his enigmatic persona. But Severus choked down his indignation.

Severus sat in his lime green chair patiently, while his hair got cut and shampooed. He refused to look into the mirror until he was all done.

"You're all done!" the woman informed him after some time. Severus looked up and into the mirror.

He couldn't decide if he looked Sex God-ish or not. The shorter hair made his nose look even more prominent. But at least his hair didn't hang down like a rotten cabbage, now. It had body and bounce and no split ends.

"Do you like it, cherry?" the woman prodded.

"Thank you," said Severus, not answering her question. He handed her some money and left.

He then made his way to a small drug store where he purchased whitening strips and Neutrogena Pore Cleanser. The clerk at the counter gave him an odd look. Severus pretended not to notice, gazing idly up at the ceiling.. Oh, what he must go through to be a Sex God!

On his way back to Hogwarts, Severus passed the bookstore. On display was a book with the words, 'How to Make Every Woman Fall In Love With You' in large, red print. Severus hesitated. What could he learn from a silly book? But even Sex Gods could use some help, now and again.

A few minutes later, Severus exited the bookshop, with 'How to Make Every Woman Fall in Love With You' tucked discreetly under his cloak. He made his way back to Hogwarts, quietly smirking to himself.

To be continued...

xxxxxx

Disclaimer: Severus Snape, the Slytherin Sex Gods, and all other mentioned characters belong to JK Rowling. I am in no way affiliated with Crest and am not being payed to promote their teeth-whitening product.


	2. Severus Snape and the Tasty Butter Rolls

Severus Snape gazed smugly at his reflection in the mirror. His reflection gazed smugly back.

His hair was cut, teeth whitened, and pores cleared. Granted, he was still not as beautiful as Lucius, but at least some improvement had been made. The rest of his attractive image would be in the attitude.

Severus made his way to the Great Hall for breakfast. The students gaped at his new look. Severus couldn't tell if they were absolutely enraptured by his beauty or just surprised at his sudden transformation.

Severus seated himself at the Head Table, next to Minerva McGonagall, ignoring her astonished expression.

"Severus! Whatever happened to you?"

"It was time for a change," Severus intoned silkily, letting the sex creep into his voice. It was all in the attitude. Sex, sex, sexy.

Severus pulled his shoulders back and tilted his head slightly, letting his hair fall attractively into his eyes. He let his eyes sparkle and burn. He was gorgeous. He was on a Harlequin romance novel...

McGonagall was concerned. First he had chopped off all his hair and now he was sitting ridgidly in his chair, shoulders thrown back, and eyes staring madly at God-knows-what.

"Are you okay, Severus?" McGonagall asked, carefully.

"What? I'm fine," snapped Severus. Merlin's arse. How was he supposed to concentrate on being a Sex God when Minerva was asking him all sorts of inane questions?

"Eat something," Minerva pushed, "You'll feel better."

Severus thought carefully about this. He really shouldn't be eating anything. His frockcoat was already starting to bunch around his middle. And he was supposed to be a dark personality, troubled by painful memories that plagued his dreams... How could he stomach food after all that? He was a starving artist. A starving artist sex god.

But, Merlin's balls, those buttered rolls were looking tasty. One or two couldn't hurt. Severus helped himself to the butter rolls, while noting student reactions out of the corner of his eye. A group of Gryffindor girls were giggling and kept glancing at him.

Positive results? Severus couldn't tell.

Potter was also watching him, suspicion evident on his features. Severus let his cool gaze meet Harry's. Sparkle and burn. Sex, sex, sexy. Harry's eyes narrowed and he turned towards his friends, leaning forward to tell them something.

Probably something about how drop dead gorgeous their potions teacher had become.

"Severus," Dumbledore had arrived at the Head Table and seated himself next to Severus, "I'll need to see-"

Dumbledore stopped. He had suddenly noticed Severus's significantly changed appearance.

"Oh. Severus."

"Yes," Severus looked at Dumbledore. Glitter and pierce. Sex Godddd!

Dumbledore frowned. Then twinkled. Then frowned a bit more.

"Erm... Yes. I was just saying I'd like to see you in my office this evening."

"Of course," said the Sex God and turned his attention back the butter rolls.

xxxxxx

At the Gryffindor table, Parvati and Lavender were discussing an interesting new development, i.e. Snape's changed appearance.

"Maybe he's trying to impress Trelawney," Parvati supposed, "I always thought they had a thing going on."

"They'd match. They both look like big, ugly bats."

"Snape does especially. Look at how he cut that hair! That ratty fringe, he's got now. Who would want him?"

The girls dissolved into a fit of giggles.

At the other end of the Gryffindor table, Harry was also speculating about the changes in Snape.

"Look at him! Someone probably saw him kill someone and now he's changed his looks so no one knows it's him!" said Harry.

"That doesn't even make sense. Maybe he just wanted a haircut," reasoned Hermione.

"He didn't just change his hair though," Harry said, "He whitened his teeth, too! Look, you can see it when he sneers."

"His pores look cleaner too," Ron added, helpfully.

To be continued...

xxx

Disclaimer: The Sex God and his supporting cast do not belong to me.


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